And then there wasn’t …

My first draft of this post detailed the exact account of what I did from my Frozen Embryo Transfer to date. However I don’t think I can rehash this process like that.

The fact is that I had the transfer on Monday March 3rd, I felt exhausted and nauseated immediately.  I spent Monday – Sunday of that week feeling like I was pregnant. And then on Monday morning that feeling was gone. It was just gone. When I went in for my blood test on Wednesday 3/12 I had a feeling that the results wouldn’t be positive.

It turns out that they were positive, but the numbers were very weak. Meaning that I was pregnant but it was touch and go as to if I would keep the baby. I was asked to come in again 2 days later and retest. If the numbers doubled I was in the green.  If they didn’t the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

The numbers went down. I knew they would. In my heart of hearts I know when the baby was strong and then for some reason it wasn’t.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t heartbroken. I am. However I know that something wasn’t right. I keep going through what I did, maybe I was on my feet too much?  Maybe I was under too much stress with the Crohn’s symptoms?  I don’t really know if those things are true but what I do know is that something in the stars and universe said that now wasn’t the time and I have to trust that.

For now, I am taking a break. I need time off the medications, I need a break from the constant Crohn’s flare and swollen injection sites. But mostly I just need time to heal my heart, I want to cuddle my husband and my G’s.  I am so thankful to the universe for the beauty that I already have around me. One day that beauty will grow and when it does it will feel just right.

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11 thoughts on “And then there wasn’t …

  1. I’m so sorry Gia…I’ve been following along here through this process and can only imagine how hard it is. But you have such a great outlook, and it’s true! You are surrounded by beauty and love, and when the time is right, things will align perfectly for you. Wishing you all the best!
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  2. I’m so sorry Gia! The loss of a pregnancy is such a hard thing to comprehend. We miscarried our first pregnancy and I just kept feeling like I was grieving the hope of what was to come. I had to grieve the anticipation and excitement over an idea, a dream. I will be praying for you as your heart tries to comprehend the loss and still remind yourself of the good things around you. It’s a very hard balance.

  3. So sorry for this loss. As mentioned in a comment I posted a few weeks ago, I am inspired by the story of your G’s and of this new journey you took. While every path doesn’t lead to an end, yours will comes as will mine… I wish you all the hope, dreams, and peace through this journey. It is not over yet.

  4. Please know that these little guys have a mind of
    their own…it is nothing that you did or didn’t do,
    if a particular baby is going to grow and develop it
    will, it’s up to the baby, that’s why you can see pregnancies
    continue on under horrific human conditions both
    physical and emotional. If the pregnancy is “meant
    to be” it will be. This one wasn’t your time. Your
    heart needs to mourn and heal. It’s good to take a
    break, but as soon as you can get right back in
    your Dr’s office for the next try. Nothing heals
    like perseverance and progression!!

  5. I’m so sorry this time didn’t happen. I really appreciate your openness on this subject so much. It’s such a comfort to be able to read your words and realize that us women are not alone in this journey. I hope your heart heals with time and that your family fills your soul with reminders of what you have already.

  6. I’m so sorry to hear this. I very much appreciate you sharing your journey. I have never had an easy road to pregnancy (I have a 2 yr old that came after 3 yrs and 2 miscarriages) and have been working on number 2 for over a year- while my feelings and circumstances aren’t the same- I feel for you and know the desire. I hope you are enjoying some extra snuggles with your Gs. 🙂

  7. Just found your blog through Shine Fertility. I also understand the pain of failed cycles as I’ve had 3 failed IVF cycles, 1 fresh and 2 frozen. It’s the worse pain in the world to experience. Looking forward to following along and best of luck to you on your journey!!

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